Not all groupies are alike, and with each different type of groupie comes a different set of personality traits, so which one are you?
1. The Sex, Drugs, and Rock 'n Roll Type:
These girls know no boundaries. They are at a show to get attention. They do so by flaunting themselves as if it were an audition for a porno. They have been known to throw underwear on stage, spin their bras around their heads like helicopters, and get tag teamed in the van. This is what they live for. Relationship status makes no difference to these girls. They live their lives based on the assumption that they are too hot to resist, even if the guitar player is married. Not everything about these girls is negative though. Other fans, primarily of the male persuasion, really enjoy these antics even if they aren't directed toward them. Like Ron White said, they want to see ALL of the titties.
2. The Band-Aid
Taking their name from the epic classic "Almost Famous", these groupies hate the word "groupie". They proclaim to be there for the best interest of the band, helping in any way possible. They've been known to cook food, go on beer runs, wrap cords after a show, offer neck massages in the hotel room, and basically anything else they can to assist the bands. The mantra (of sorts) used by Band-Aids is that they "don't sleep with the bands". That's honorable, however, given the chance I'd venture to guess that about 50% of them would totally drop their pants. These are the groupies that actually get the most face time with their favorite bands. They are often invited out on the road, or at least out to the bus to party. They frequently host bands in their own homes, and are a really great way to cure the loneliness of the road. Band-Aids are very valuable to a band, because even if they would drop their pants for the lead singer, they would also drive to Michigan to pick up a part for your broken down tour bus.
3. The Super Fan
This is a special kind of groupie. Everyone knows one of these. EVERYONE. This is the fan that follows the band on tour. They see every show they possibly can, make sure to let everyone in the entire world know that they are seeing these shows, and never walk away from a merch table empty handed. They spend almost every dime they make supporting their favorite bands. Their social media feeds are filled with posts about bands or shows that they are/were involved with. They have tattoos that represent their love for "their" bands. These are the groupies who take the bands to the next level. I'm pretty sure that the phrase "word of mouth" came from these groupies. They will not skip any opportunity to tell the world about the bands, and in all reality this is a great way for the bands to get some free advertisement. I have to say that, as a band, you know you're at least somewhat successful if you have at least one super fan!
4. The Band Managers
These are without a doubt the most frustrating groupies out there. These are the ones who believe that without their support, the bands would have gotten nowhere. Their fandom equates a band's success, and that gives them a sense of entitlement. These groupies are the type of fans that get annoyed when the spotlight isn't on them. They expect their favorite bands to grovel at their feet, and jump at their beckoned call. They take credit for everything, regardless of their involvement, and lose their shit if the band notices anyone but them at a show. They attempt to usurp their "authority" onto other fans by telling them what to do and how to do it. They make a rush to be the first like or comment on every social media post. The worst part about these groupies is that they often make the bands feel like dog crap when they don't get their way. No band NEEDS groupies like this, but will inevitably have them.
5. The "You Can't Teach an Old Dog New Tricks" Type
These groupies are absolutely the most fun! Call them what you want...cougars, grannies, MILF's, whatever....these are groupies that go way back. The age of the band doesn't matter to them as long as the beer is cold, the pants are leather, and the music is loud. They have a lot of real life responsibility, so escaping to a show is their way of blowing off steam. They love hard, and rock harder. They bring experience to the table, and sometimes that's more valuable than anything. Some of these older groupies even take on the role of "band mom's". They cook, do laundry, worry about the band's health, and other motherly duties. Without a doubt, these groupies have a lot of value, and the bands truly appreciate them. They become road family, and give the bands a home away from home of sorts. Don't deny their ability to drink you under the table though.
6. Groupies In Denial
Ooooo this is a fun section. Groupies that refuse to admit they are groupies. They get dolled up, put on their pasties, fetch beers, buy shots, hang all over the band, and still deny that they are groupies. They claim to be there for the music, but they're dressed like a stripper at a Megadeath show. Here's a tip: As an outside observer, I have to point out that the people who are truly at a show for the music are wearing jeans and t-shirts, not 50 pounds of blue eyeshadow and pasties in the shapes of stars. To these groupies, the word groupie is an insult. It indicates that someone thinks they are a whore. I'm here to tell you that this is not the case. I'll elaborate more on this in the conclusion.
7. The Creepers
This is the type of groupie that makes everyone uncomfortable. The ones who stalk in the shadows, stay quiet, stare, possibly put on lipstick while wearing dirty underwear....The creepy people who don't understand the concept of personal space. While it's possible that they are in fact just socially awkward, no one wants some creepy guy stuffing dollar bills into their pants after a show. You can expect some very unexpected and erratic behavior from these groupies. They may write you a love poem one minute and mail you a rabbit's head the next. Beware of the creepers.
So there you have it. A breakdown of the groupie class system as interpreted by my own personal observation. This is meant to be somewhat satirical in nature, but as with all sarcasm, there is an element of truth behind it. In the end, groupie is just another word for fan, given to fans by other fans who are jealous that they don't get the same attention. If you are a true fan of a band, then I guarantee you that you fall into one or more of these categories, and guess what? That's just fine!!
Believe it or not, bands appreciate the attention regardless of format. Even the creepers. Don't be offended if someone tells you that you're a groupie. Own that shit. Let your freak flag fly. Just understand that you are not the only fan in existence, and that you are not the center of the band's universe. Have some respect for boundaries. If you know one of the guys is married or in a relationship, don't try to sleep with him. That's trashy. Don't mail them your dirty panties. That's creepy, and really disgusting. Go to their shows, support them on social media, buy their merch, get those tattoos.......whatever you do, do it because you love the band, not because you want them to love you.
Feel free to leave comments! Especially if you have seen other types that aren't mentioned here!!
I'm a Super Band Aid! ;) hehe
ReplyDeleteGreat article!!